You have started to read, what will soon become your worst nightmare, it was for me, and I hope you never have to experience this ever in your lifetime!
When I was still living in my old apartment, the luxury building in Manhattan, which resembled a hotel that none of us can actually afford to stay in, I had an encounter with an alien from outerspace. Skeptics say I merely had a run-in with the New York City mascot, the cockroach (tied for the title with the ever popular Rat), but I tell a different story….
One evening, when I was spending the night alone in the apartment, because my roommates are infinitely cooler than me and actually have cool friends, boyfriends, and alternate places to sleep, I awoke a few hours into my evening slumber to take a pee. To this day I still scoff at the blasted apple juice box that set this entire travesty into motion.
I ventured to the bathroom, from my bedroom, drowsy, and angry that I had to interrupt my R-rated dream of Eddie Vedder to drain my annoying bladder. My eyes crusted with newly formed eye-goobers, and completely unadjusted to the light, I sat atop the potty, and dreamily glanced along the floor next to me at the rug in front of the shower. This rug, being a dark maroon color, appeared to have a lump, of the same shade upon it. I scratched my eyes, focused, and looked again, harder this time, and more intently, while I continued to dribble my relief into the bowl.
Suddenly, my brain caught up with my tired eyes, and I realized that I was staring at an obscenely gigantic half-roach, half-extinct-terradactyl, right there in my bathroom! It wiggled its antennae, while crooning its elongated neck from side to side looking for sleepy, urinating prey! My body did not allow my brain to process this revelation, and my legs sprung me into the air, dripping and naked from the waist down, into the living room, where I had to regroup, and devise a plan of action.
The first step was to jump into my rain galoshes which I keep conveniently next to my bedroom door. Now, wearing nothing but a tee shirt and green rubber boots, I stopped for a second to catch my breath, slow my racing heart, and think of how the hell I was going to fight this creature without a sword, shield, or any suitable armor.
I stretched my neck as far toward the bathroom as it would reach without moving my feet any closer, to make sure that my enemy was still there. It was. I ran to the kitchen and grabbed my sword and shield substitutes: Tongs and a dust pan. These would have to do.
I tip-toed into the bathroom, so that this thing would be caught off guard when I arrived to destroy him, but when I came to my destination, I became paralyzed with fear. What if I squashed him, and he squirted out millions of baby tarradactyls that ran all over the place and infested my home??? “Oh God”, I whispered, “give me strength”. I lunged forward with one leg raised, intending to bring my foot heavily upon the thing, but I moved too slowly, and apparently, I was not the only one with a plan of action.
The beast, ran right past my bare, booted ass, and into the living room, where it stopped, cornered, between the Will Ferrel DVD and the TV stand. “Its now or never Talia”, I said to myself, upon realizing that his only means of egress beyond this would be into my room, in which case I would lose track of it altogether and have to evacuate to a hotel, STAT!
I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and jumped, landing directly upon it, before it could contemplate it’s next move. I felt the crunch below my foot, as if I had stepped on one of those disgusting cough drops with the liquid in the middle. Horrified, I removed my boot from the debris, and gazed upon the oozing remains of the beast. With the tongs, I held the dustpan, and swept the carcass inside. With one hand, I threw on some shorts and carried the whole contraption down the hall to the trash room where I laid it to rest eternally.
I had survived, unscathed, with only a wet leg to report as a casualty. Never again, will I drink an apple juice box before bed.
