A Life After Law School

MTV acknowledges/ Promotes ADD

2006-05-09T12:02:00.000-07:00

From Today's New York Times...

It seems that in order to capitalize on the over-activity of the minds of today's youth, MTV Networks is going to provide multiple simultaneous ways for viewers to watch their programming.....confused? You know how young ones are always IM'ing, while at the same time, listening to music, surfing the net, and watching tv??? Well, MTV is providing interactive internet media to correspond with their popular programming including Total Request Live, and the MTV Video Music Awards.

The Overdrive component, located at mtv.com, will feature a sort of video digression that will continue to stream live while the television show is broadcasting commercials. For example, if a viewer wants to watch an entire music video after a snippet is shown on the "Total Request Live" video countdown, or take a backstage tour with Jamie Foxx after he finishes his onstage appearance on the set of "T.R.L." (as the show is familiarly known), Overdrive will be the place to turn.
Get Full Story Here

If you ask me, the idea is a little arrogant. Why would I multi-task in order to do the same thing multiple times? Isnt that an oxymoron? I mean, I will fold laundry while watching General Hospital on soapnet at night, with one eye on the computer to continue a convo with a pal via IM, but those are 3 goals being accomplished! Its like drinking slim fast WITH your meal.....only one of the two is necessary, right?

Whatever, Im sure the ADD laden leaders of our future will adapt well to "Overdrive". Gone forever are the nice games of kick the can and stick ball, like we used to play when I was a kid. Hey, it was suburban Michigan in the 80s.....

Oops....

2006-04-11T13:33:00.000-07:00

TSG has reported that DEA Agent Lee Paige (not related to me at all) has filed a federal lawsuit against the U.S. government for "improperly, illegally, willfully and/or intentionally" releasing a video of him accidentally shooting himself in the foot during a gun safety demonstration in front of small school children and their parents.

Paige had just gotten through saying how he was the only person in the room with the skillz required to handle the weapon, which was supposed to be unloaded, when he shot his own foot!

THEN, this guy has the balls to keep going with the presentation, limping around like it aint no thang, and using his incident as an example of the mistakes that can take place in the presence of guns! He even orders an assistant to bring out a BIGGER gun to demonstrate with next!!

The kids are the only ones who display any common sense at all by expressing their concern and distrust over the next weapon, and the maniacal agent. One kid even shouts sternly, "Put it down!", and parents begin dragging their children out of the room.

embarrassing? Naaaahhh, Im sure you're still a well respected DEA Agent, Mr. Paige. Oh, those rubber bullets? Those are just what we're using now cuz the budget's been cut. And, due to a miraculous disappearance of all actual dangerous crime in the nation yesterday, you're being transferred to an ultra sensitive and important security project at Nanny Muffin's Nursery School where you will be guarding the chocolate milk supply from the chubby kids before lunch time.

I know, I know, you're impressed with the likeness between my MS Paint version and the real one!!

No more POT TARTS for you!

2006-03-23T10:07:00.000-08:00

That's right I said "Pot Tarts".

Teenage 7-11 employees, gangsta rappers, and college underachievers everywhere hung their heads with grief last week when DEA agents busted an Oakland, California drug operation who's trade was cleverly re-naming common snacks and treats which they altered by adding Marijuana to the recipe.

Thanks to TSG, I am posting pictures of some of the confiscated goods below. These are real treats, which have been sold in California for quite a while, and are only now being shunned. Can't these people look the other way, and give the operators of Beyond Bomb a break and some points for creativity? Ok, I know I know, its illegal! Whatever.....enjoy

A Note to People with Money.....

2006-03-16T11:44:00.000-08:00

SPEND IT, GIVE IT AWAY, F'ING EAT IT FOR ALL I CARE, but don't leave it for your lawyers to deal with after you're gone, because if you do, a fairy will lose her wings and Talia will cry at work!(my apologies to successful estate attorneys who actually enjoy this miserable crap)

Here are the reasons why you should spend your money before you die:
1.) Your money WILL NOT end up going to the people you name in your will
2.) Your money WILL end up going to lawyers, accountants, appraisers, court costs, and worst of all....THE IRS
3.) Your surviving family members will be bothered for years with phone calls, interrogations, painful reminders of their loss of you, and ridiculous requirements of all surrogate's courts
4.) Dont even think about testamentary trusts with income to all your neighbors for life and remainder to charity! These give poor first year attorneys a migraine, grey hair, and 10 extra lbs due to chocolate consumption!

What you should do:
1.) Live extravagantly during your lifetime.
2.) Give your grandchildren large gifts for every birthday, holliday, etc.
3.) Pre-pay your funeral costs
4.) If you've still got anything left after items # 1-3 give me a call and I'll put your money to good use!

Deep breath........stretch...........ok, enough ranting and back to friggin probating (gag)..........

If I were a judge....

2006-03-15T09:18:00.000-08:00

THIS is the kind of thing that I would do!

THE SMOKING GUN has reported that a Texas Bankruptcy Judge recently quoted a line from Adam Sandler's Billy Madison, in his opinion dismissing a motion which he deemed incomprehensible!

In a footnote, the judge stated:

"Or in the words of the competition judge to Adam Sandler's title character in the movie, 'Billy Madison', after Billy Madison had responded to a question with an answer that sounded superficially reasonable but lacked any substance,

Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I've ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response was there anything that could even be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Deciphering motions like the one presented here wastes valuable chamber staff time, and invites this sort of footnote."

Bravo, Your Honor! That's one of my favorite movies of all time! :)

Office Games!

2006-02-24T11:27:00.000-08:00

I was thinking...... you know how when we were younger we would play those games where you have to walk on the furniture, and prevent your feet from touching the ground because if they did then you would be stepping in red hot lava or you would trigger a bomb that would explode and kill us all?

Well, I think its pretty clear that kids are way less bored with life and definitely less grumpy than adults, and WHY? Well obviously its because they do fun things like play the floor is lava game!

Why don't we play games like that in the office to spice up the day a bit and get rid of some of that office aggression? For example:

1. Floor is lava game at work: Walk on the desks and chairs to visit your co-workers, get to the bathroom, etc. If someone's feet touch the ground accidentally, then scream at the top of your lungs, feign a dramatic death, and lie on the ground for 5 full minutes.

2. Cooties game: Secretly designate one of your colleagues as having "cooties", then try to avoid touching him or his desk items at all cost. If someone touches the cootie guy then point at him, giggle, and shout "You've got cooties, you've got cooties!" Never eat near or share food with the cootie guy.

3. Doorknob: Randomly shout "DOORKNOB" in the office so that everyone can hear you and then immediately start punching your co-workers till they can make it to a doorknob and touch it to save themselves.
Nick's Suggestion: I would shout something like "self-realization" so I could punch people for longer! Let 'em try to find that!

4. Criss Cross (probably equates to sexual harassment in the workplace so there will have to be a waiver everyone must sign before playing) you take your co-workers off guard by grabbing their hand when he/she least expects it and trace as many Xs on the palm with your finger as you can before he/ she can wiggle free. THEN for every X that you were able to trace on that person's hand, he/she MUST touch the butt of another co-worker of the opposite sex.

Wouldn't office life be more fun if it was like 5th grade recess?

Freedom of Religion at its best

2006-02-21T09:43:00.000-08:00

A few of my friends are taking the bar exam this week and I wish them all the very best of luck. In their honor, here is a little snippet of Constitutional Law for you.....

Supreme Court Rules in Favor of Church's Use of Hallucinogenic Tea
By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
Published: February 21, 2006

WASHINGTON (AP) -- "The Supreme Court ruled unanimously Tuesday that a small congregation in New Mexico may use hallucinogenic tea as part of a four-hour ritual intended to connect with God."...

"The tea, which contains an illegal drug known as DMT, is considered sacred to members of O Centro Espirita Beneficiente Uniao do Vegetal, which has a blend of Christian beliefs and South American traditions. Members believe they can understand God only by drinking the tea, which is consumed twice a month at four-hour ceremonies."

Full Story from NY Times Here

MYSPACE AWARENSS

2006-02-21T08:17:00.000-08:00

It is no secret that I have joined the masses of others in our generation who have become somewhat obsessed with myspace and blogging in general. Why do we feel compelled to display our thoughts, and our likenesses for all the world to see? Are we exploiting ourselves, trying to create an identity that is far from reality, or simply trying to express our inner creativity?

I don't have answers to these questions, and I doubt that you visited my blog today for a philosoply lecture, but I recommend reading an article about our myspace photos, from today's New York Times.... a few exerpts from which I have posted below.

Its an interesting read for a myspacers and non-myspacers alike. Did YOU take your current profile picture yourself? I did.... read on......

Here I Am Taking My Own Picture
By ALEX WILLIAMS
Published: February 19, 2006

"'Self-branding is a big deal for kids, and self-produced entertainment is a big deal,' Mr. Taylor said. In their pictures, ordinary young women metamorphose into glamour queens or pinup girls, thanks to a few well-rehearsed come-hither poses and mood lighting reminiscent of an old Hollywood studio portrait. Average boys turn themselves into brooding antiheroes by gazing intently into their camera lens in a darkened room, face half buried in shadow."

(This is interesting):

"This month the attorney general of Connecticut, Richard Blumenthal, promised an investigation into MySpace, spurred by complaints of parents that minors could have access to sexual images on the site or could post suggestive pictures that could make them vulnerable to sexual predators. Members have included pictures of themselves in scanty attire or suggestive poses. For many, MySpace functions as a dating site.
But the operators of the Web site, which is owned by the News Corporation, the media conglomerate controlled by Rupert Murdoch, insist that a third of the work force is devoted to policing the site for inappropriate material. Offending members can be banned from the network, and MySpace says it will contact law enforcement officials in serious cases."

The WHOLE Story....

2006-02-17T09:21:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer: This is Political Satire, dont get your panties in a bunch. Im a jackass and I make fun of stuff....its what I do. That being said:

The New York Times publised an article on February 16th 2006 titled, Silence Broken as Cheney Points Only to Himself.
Upon further inquiry I have discovered the UNEDITED VERSION, which may be shocking and disturbing to many of you.....or if you're like me, you'll laugh your ass off making fun of Dickie!

I have been kind enough to publish my editions to the NY Times version of this story in Bold Blue type

WASHINGTON, Feb. 15 —Vice President Dick Cheney broke a four-day silence on Wednesday about his accidental shooting of a hunting partner, saying he took full responsibility for the incident while vigorously defending his decision to delay releasing news about it until the next day.
"Ultimately, I'm the guy who pulled the trigger that fired the round that hit Harry IN THE FACE," Mr. Cheney said, appearing a bit shaken in a hastily arranged interview on Fox News to provide his version of events in a just-the-facts monotone.

Mr. Cheney's decision to submit to an interview was an effort to contain the political fallout and to try to end an episode that has knocked the entire White House off stride.

But it did not obscure the tensions that have driven the administration since the accident on Saturday, and in a sign of disagreement at the very top, the White House signaled that President Bush wished that Mr. Cheney had made the news public more quickly.

Answering questions from Brit Hume, Mr. Cheney said that he consumed "a large magic mushroom pizza followed by a beer at lunch" on Saturday under an old oak tree, but that the accident occurred hours later, and "nobody was under the influence of anything other than the crazy wicked hallucinogenic mushrooms obtained from Nino, a college freshman at University of Texas, which tripped us out so bad we couldn’t even find our lips to have a drink" of alcohol. He said no one had intended to blame the hunting partner, Harry M. Whittington, for being in the line of fire after coming up unannounced about 30 yards from Mr. Cheney.

Mr. Whittington was described as being in stable condition after a minor heart attack on Tuesday in Corpus Christi, Tex.

Mr. Cheney turned from a tone of regret — "It was one of the worst days of my life cuz I thought I had shot a quail and Mrs. Cheney rewards me for nabbing quail by calling me Mr. President and riding me like a cowgirl" — to one of defiance when questioned about the way he chose to disclose the shooting.

Mr. Cheney said that he delayed making the news public because "this was a complicated story because ‘Whittington’ is very difficult to say when you’re messed up on ‘shrooms" and that he would do so again. It was more important to contact members of Mr. Whittington's family, he said, than to get the story out to the public immediately.

Hours before Mr. Cheney taped the interview, the White House spokesman, Scott McClellan, suggested to reporters on Air Force One that Mr. Bush believed that the matter should have been handled differently. Mr. McClellan said that when he said, as he first did on Monday, that "you can always look back at these issues and work to do better by not inviting heart attack-prone geezers to get high and shoot stuff," he was "speaking on behalf of the White House and the president."
It was a rare hint of a split between the president, who prizes loyalty and discretion, and the vice president, who has always tried to exert his considerable influence behind the scenes. Mr. Cheney arranged to be interviewed by Mr. Hume, a journalist with whom the vice president has long felt comfortable. His approach to the interview was to deal with the accident as he might deal with a policy decision that turned out badly and to accept responsibility as a way of moving on.
"You can talk about all of the other conditions that existed at the time, such as Harry being dressed in a pink bunny costume jumping up and down with his arms flailing and screaming lyrics to NWA’s Fu*k the Police, but that's the bottom line, and there's no — it's not Harry's fault," Mr. Cheney said under polite but persistent questioning. "You can't blame anybody else. I'm the guy who pulled the trigger and shot my friend IN THE FACE."

Asked why the White House had made no announcement of the incident, even though it maintains instant communications with Mr. Cheney's entourage and has a multi-million dollar press operation, Mr. Cheney said that he had "no press person" with him. So he agreed that the ranch owner should put out the story, figuring that wire services would pick it up and disseminate it.

He suggested that the outcry about his failure to release the news, and then just to a local newspaper, reflected the unhappiness of the White House press corps that they were left out of the first reports.

"They didn't like the idea that we called The Corpus Christi Caller-Times instead of The New York Times," Mr. Cheney said. "But it strikes me that The Corpus Christi Caller-Times is just as valid a news outlet as The New York Times is, especially for covering a major story in south Texas, and I was kind of hoping I could use the naked pictures I had of the editor from Cabo in ’87 to help me spin the responsibility onto Terrorists and weapons of mass destruction…..cuz they have them."

By Mr. Cheney's account, he realized that Mr. Whittington was standing off to the side and in the line of fire just as he squeezed the trigger. A bird was flushed out of the brush, Mr. Cheney said, and he recalled swinging to his right to follow it.

"I turned and shot at the bird, hoping to hit the crazy pink bunny with the same shot, and at that second saw Harry standing there, naked with a banjo covering his genitals" Mr. Cheney said. "I didn't know he was there."

"You had pulled the trigger and you saw him?" Mr. Hume asked.

"Well, I SHOT HIM IN THE FACE, then I saw him fall, basically," Mr. Cheney said. "It had happened so fast.

Asked to explain how the accident occurred, the vice president said Mr. Whittington, dressed in orange hunting gear and wearing protective glasses, had been standing in a slight gully with the setting sun directly behind him. "That was before all the bunny nonsense which affected the vision, too, I'm sure," Mr. Cheney said.

After Mr. Whittington fell, Mr. Cheney rushed over and found him on his back, conscious but bleeding and stunned, with one eye open.

"I said, 'Harry, I had no idea you were there,' " Mr. Cheney recalled. "He didn't respond. The image of him falling is something I'll never be able to get out of my mind. I fired, and there's Harry falling."

When asked whether anyone in the group had been drinking, Mr. Cheney said: "No, you don't hunt with people who drink. You only hunt with old guys cuz they always make you look better and alcohol would give them confidence to shoot back so That's not a good idea."

A few moments later, he said that at a lunch barbecue several hours before the accident he had a beer. He did not say whether his partners also consumed alcohol. Hunting resumed at 3 p.m. he said.

"The five of us who were in that party were together all afternoon, we didn’t leave each others’ sides for a second, showering and peeing side by side," he added. "Nobody was drinking. Nobody was under the influence of anything other than unadulterated man-lust."

"Shooting Safety Rules" of the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department warn, "Don't drink alcohol or take drugs before or while handling firearms or bow and arrows."

They do not specify how much time should pass before handling arms, but note that "alcohol and drugs impair normal physical and mental body functions and must not be used before or while handling firearms or archery equipment, ya jackass!."

One LUCKY MF'er!!

2006-02-10T12:15:00.000-08:00

Yes I DO have cocaine, but I AM NOT a violator of traffic laws!

From The New York Law Journal: February, 9, 2006.

In PEOPLE V. WAYNE RICE, Defendant was charged with Criminal Possession of a Controlled Substance in the Third Degree. Initially, his car was stopped for failing to signal a change of lanes. When the police saw a folding knife clipped to his pants pocket he was arrested. Following a strip search in a police station house, cocaine was recovered from a plastic package in his underwear. He challenged the lawfulness of the police conduct leading to the search. In particular, he challenged the stop of his vehicle and the reasonableness of the subsequent strip search at the precint. Because the search was the product of an unauthorized traffic stop, his motion to suppress evidence was GRANTED!

The car Mr. Rice was driving was allegedly stopped for changing lanes without signaling. However, the Vehicle and Traffic Law DOES NOT REQURE the operator of a motor vehicle to SIGNAL every lane change. While it is a violation of the VTL to make an unsafe lane change, and appropriate signaling is required when needed to make a lane change safely, where a lane change can be made with "reasonable safety" without signaling, it is not a violation of the VTL to move from one lane to another without signaling.

In this case, because the police did not have an objective reason to believe that the lane change was unsafe, they did not have an objective reason to stop the car, notwithstanding the failure to signal.

Mr. Rice's comments after the decision was rendered. "Ya damn straight, now can I get my yayo back?" (Ok, I made that part up, but I bet thats what he was thinking!)

oh NOW there's less competition!?

2006-02-09T08:25:00.000-08:00

Whatever! It might just be my egocentric personality, but it appears that whatever Talia does, the rest of the world has to do, and when I am done with something or have moved on to bigger and better, then the rest of the world moves on also! Hmmmmm....

Apparently after a surge in law school applicants right around the time I applied to law school, the rush to go to law school has finally declined, and significantly at that.

From today's New York Times

Applications to Law Schools Are Declining
By JONATHAN D. GLATER...Click HERE for full article

"It may be that a surge in popularity a few years ago has, perversely, led to the current decline in interest in law schools, said David E. Kelley, creator and producer of the television show "Boston Legal" and himself a lawyer. "The more lawyers there are, the more people are out there to encourage others not to go to law school," Mr. Kelley said.

He added: "I personally still have a very glamorous view of the law. But maybe that's because I'm out of it, and I get to write about what I would like the practice of law to be."

We'll see wh0's theory is correct:

HEY AMERICA, I have decided to shave my head and wear clothing made out of bacon while dancing barefoot in the streets to the music of Cool and the Gang!

Just watch and see what happens..........they'll follow me

Canada HATES PORN!

2006-02-08T11:07:00.000-08:00

The smoking gun has access to reports by Canada's Border Services Agency, "responsible for halting the importation of obscene and objectionable material", and they have published the names of some of the Admissible and Prohibited Titles from the most recent Border Services list

I exerpt for you below:

Animal Passion, Chubby Dog Fucker: PROHIBITED (Blonde Dog Fucker was also prohibited so at least the Canadian authorities aren't prejudiced)

Best of Gang-Bang Brutal: PROHIBITED (but it says its the "Best"...)

Come Here and Blow Me: ADMISSIBLE (Canadians appreciate the straightforward)

Disposable Masochist Doll: ADMISSIBLE (really? do you think they took long to deliberate on this one?)

Dru Berrymore's Bondage Desires: PROHIBITED (duh)

Happy 18th Birthday To Me: PROHIBITED (What's so bad about pin the tail on the- oh ok, I got it!)

For a complete list click here

BALLS!

2006-02-08T10:56:00.000-08:00

Better be better than the rest! Cuz its gonna be even harder than you thought to break into the entertainment biz........

From Variety.com

Entertainment jobs take a dip in '06
An article by DAVE MCNARY

The state's job market in entertainment will see a 4% decline this year, with 8,100 fewer slots, to cut the total to 174,100, according to a study issued today. The figure, according to the Los Angeles Economic Development Corp., will edge down next year by 0.8%, with 1,400 fewer jobs in 2007.

The industry peaked with 209,000 jobs in 1999, according to LAEDC figures.
Jack Kyser, LAEDC chief economist, cited high levels of TV production as a positive factor for the industry, while pointing to an array of developments with negative impact, including poor box office performance, slowing DVD sales, runaway production, reduction in the number of films produced, a lack of state government incentives for film producers and the emergence of more confrontational leaders at Screen Actors Guild and the Writers Guild of America.

The agency's breakdown of employment for 2006 includes 7,500 fewer jobs for a total of 99,200 in motion picture and video production; 400 new jobs in independent artists, writers and performers for a total of 15,300; and 700 new jobs in broadcasting for a total of 47,400.

Free Country? PSSSSHHhhhaw!

2006-01-31T10:09:00.000-08:00

We have come a long way since the time of Dorothy and Toto! The wonderful state of Kansas has passed a law prohibiting virtually ALL sexual activity by teenagers under 16, regardless of whether the teens "consent". According to the Kansas legislature, children aged 16 and under are incapable of consent.

Now, the big debate is whether health care providers and counselors will be required to rat out the juvenile delinquents. How many of you, my dear readers, would have been law breakers, if YOU grew up in Kansas under this law?

Even worse, what if Steve Alexander, assistant attorney general, were your father?
"Illegal sexual activity by minors can lead to S.T.D.'s, unwanted pregnancies, abortion, depression, mental illness," Mr. Alexander said. "To pretend otherwise is foolish." He said the case was in essence a challenge to the law barring consensual sex between young people of a similar age, which he called "a policy argument that plaintiffs would be better served making in the Legislature." (NY Times)

Uh, Mental Illness? Do you know anyone who has gone crazy because they had sexual contact before they were 18? Me neither. In fact, I think there are more documented cases of people who aren't getting any that go crazy! You know, the lady that lived in your neighborhood when you were growing up who was single all her life and had like 26 cats! SHE is the one we should worry about. Not the what the captain of the highschool football team and his beautiful cheerleader girlfriend do in his his Dad's Landrover on Saturday night.

Priorities, people!

BOOTLEGGERS BUSTED

2006-01-30T13:51:00.000-08:00

Hey, Im not one to promote stereotypes, I just report it as I see it. To quote the ever observant and philosophical Jay-Z:
Got this Chinese chick, had to leave her quick'
Cause she kept bootleggin my shit - man

Variety has reported that $50,000 bootlegged discs were seized in New York just recently. Can you guess which neighborhood? Full story here.

Come on, doesn't anyone have respect for copyrights and trademarks anymore? Does it really kill us to pay full price for a movie ticket? Yes, it does! Actors and Actresses get paid too much money, and we, Jane and Joe Moviegoer, are continually disappointed with hollywood flops! Besides the "Five dolla baby turtle" business isn't gonna keep the street lights burnin bright canal street, ya know?

While the US fights terrorism, China has its priorities in tact: focus on intellectual property rights! Thats a country after my own heart!

"China claims it is making progress in the war against piracy, citing 3,250 criminal prosecutions for violating intellectual property rights rules in the first 11 months of 2005, up 28% on the same period in 2004." (Variety)

Don't fear, friends, the bootleggers are like roaches: You can't kill them all, and they're are more of them than you could ever imagine.

Stop falling in love with me!

2006-01-26T10:36:00.000-08:00

I have always felt subliminal messages from the millions of men around the world, including Entourage's Jeremy Piven pictured above, that are mercilessly trying to seduce me with their minds! Finally, NOW I have some acknowledgment from the judicial system! I am the victim here!

The Smoking Gun has reported that a New Mexico Judge has signed a restraining order preventing David Letterman from subliminally seducing a Santa Fe woman:

"'Dave responded to my thoughts of love, and, on his show, in code words & obvious indications through jestures and eye expressions, he asked me to come east,' she explained. A coded marriage proposal would follow, added Nestler, when Letterman announced on a show promo, "Marry me Oprah." The name Oprah, Nestler reported, "had become my first of many code-names." Letterman's lawyers Monday filed an expedited motion to quash Judge Sanchez's ill-advised restraining order."

WORDS OF WARNING TO THE FOLLOWING WHO ARE CURRENTLY ATTEMPTING TO SEDUCE ME:
1. Fred Durst: I let you kiss me once, but that's all there was between us. MOVE ON!
2. Snoop Dogg: You're a great dancer, but you lied when you said I was your "favorite girl". I can't trust you!
3. Will Ferrel: You're married baby, call me when you drop that bad habbit!
4. Jeremy Piven: Stay the hell away from.....ah screw it, meet me in Brooklyn at 9 o'clock!

I am white.

2006-01-20T09:48:00.000-08:00

And Murphy Brown, might be related to Larry Brown.

I attended the Knicks game last night at Madison Square Garden, to watch my home team, the Detroit Pistons, teach former coach, Larry Brown a lesson in poor decision making.

Our seats were great, thanks to my roomate's boyfriend who has a cool job, and we were directly behind all the rich people/ celebrities. My friends were eagerly pointing out the famous elbows we were virtually rubbing.

"Look, its Q-Tip", my roomate said.
"Hey, look, there's Fat Joe", exclaimed her boyfriend.

"That's Spike Lee in front of us", noted cousin Tom.

Then, I made my embarassingly enthusiastic, and glaringly caucasian observation:
"Look, isn't that Candice Bergen of the hit tv show, Murphy Brown?"

Yes, folks, unfortunately, that is how my mind works.

It should be noted that Candice Bergen had better seats than John McEnroe, which means her real name must be Murphy Brown, and that she must be the long lost sister of Knicks coach, Larry Brown, because she certainly doesn't have any pull anymore from her MB days and bit roles in movies such as Sweet Home Alabama!

Ok, so she's on Boston Legal, but real lawyers don't watch fake lawyer shows, and everyone knows that James Spader is the coolest cast member on that show! She's older than the game of basketball itself, and her gleaming whitish-yellow feathered mullet certainly does not earn her a seat behind gorgeous Nia Long, best known for her role as Lisa on the Fresh Prince of Bel Aire!

Beyond Belief!

2006-01-20T07:45:00.000-08:00

Check this out: Hollywood is Magic, and so are the drugs!

for once, Im speechless!

Night of Horrors

2006-01-18T11:48:00.000-08:00

You have started to read, what will soon become your worst nightmare, it was for me, and I hope you never have to experience this ever in your lifetime!

When I was still living in my old apartment, the luxury building in Manhattan, which resembled a hotel that none of us can actually afford to stay in, I had an encounter with an alien from outerspace. Skeptics say I merely had a run-in with the New York City mascot, the cockroach (tied for the title with the ever popular Rat), but I tell a different story….

One evening, when I was spending the night alone in the apartment, because my roommates are infinitely cooler than me and actually have cool friends, boyfriends, and alternate places to sleep, I awoke a few hours into my evening slumber to take a pee. To this day I still scoff at the blasted apple juice box that set this entire travesty into motion.

I ventured to the bathroom, from my bedroom, drowsy, and angry that I had to interrupt my R-rated dream of Eddie Vedder to drain my annoying bladder. My eyes crusted with newly formed eye-goobers, and completely unadjusted to the light, I sat atop the potty, and dreamily glanced along the floor next to me at the rug in front of the shower. This rug, being a dark maroon color, appeared to have a lump, of the same shade upon it. I scratched my eyes, focused, and looked again, harder this time, and more intently, while I continued to dribble my relief into the bowl.

Suddenly, my brain caught up with my tired eyes, and I realized that I was staring at an obscenely gigantic half-roach, half-extinct-terradactyl, right there in my bathroom! It wiggled its antennae, while crooning its elongated neck from side to side looking for sleepy, urinating prey! My body did not allow my brain to process this revelation, and my legs sprung me into the air, dripping and naked from the waist down, into the living room, where I had to regroup, and devise a plan of action.

The first step was to jump into my rain galoshes which I keep conveniently next to my bedroom door. Now, wearing nothing but a tee shirt and green rubber boots, I stopped for a second to catch my breath, slow my racing heart, and think of how the hell I was going to fight this creature without a sword, shield, or any suitable armor.

I stretched my neck as far toward the bathroom as it would reach without moving my feet any closer, to make sure that my enemy was still there. It was. I ran to the kitchen and grabbed my sword and shield substitutes: Tongs and a dust pan. These would have to do.

I tip-toed into the bathroom, so that this thing would be caught off guard when I arrived to destroy him, but when I came to my destination, I became paralyzed with fear. What if I squashed him, and he squirted out millions of baby tarradactyls that ran all over the place and infested my home??? “Oh God”, I whispered, “give me strength”. I lunged forward with one leg raised, intending to bring my foot heavily upon the thing, but I moved too slowly, and apparently, I was not the only one with a plan of action.

The beast, ran right past my bare, booted ass, and into the living room, where it stopped, cornered, between the Will Ferrel DVD and the TV stand. “Its now or never Talia”, I said to myself, upon realizing that his only means of egress beyond this would be into my room, in which case I would lose track of it altogether and have to evacuate to a hotel, STAT!

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and jumped, landing directly upon it, before it could contemplate it’s next move. I felt the crunch below my foot, as if I had stepped on one of those disgusting cough drops with the liquid in the middle. Horrified, I removed my boot from the debris, and gazed upon the oozing remains of the beast. With the tongs, I held the dustpan, and swept the carcass inside. With one hand, I threw on some shorts and carried the whole contraption down the hall to the trash room where I laid it to rest eternally.

I had survived, unscathed, with only a wet leg to report as a casualty. Never again, will I drink an apple juice box before bed.

Anything to be famous.......

2006-01-17T09:08:00.000-08:00

and it works!

Read about the guy that takes fake dead pics of himself all in the name of fame HERE on my other blog, According to Talia. The most troubling aspect is that this guy's story appeared in Today's New York Times! His lame/ creepy pictures have actually gotten him his 15 minutes of fame. Where the hell have I been? I have a camera and a dream too!

He's not even remotely attractive! Is the internet viewing public 65% Blind? I would actually rest easy if you could assure me that a majority of his hits come from people who were hoping to fulfill sick necrophellia desires, rather than people actually interested in some middle aged, dodge caravan driving, freako with a jones for celebrity status!

Moral of the story: Mild retardation + equally challenged wife (or trained monkey)+ camera and PC= key to the world!
CRAP

A Coloring Book for Lawyers

2006-01-13T11:24:00.000-08:00

I got this in an e-mail today and I thought it was FANTASTIC!! I don't know who created this, but whoever it was, deserves a HIGH FIVE!

THE COLORING BOOK FOR LAWYERS

THIS IS ME. I am a lawyer. Lawyers are important. They go to important offices and do important things. Color my underpants important.

THIS IS MY SUIT. Color it grey or I will lose my job.

THIS IS MY TRAIN. It takes me to my office every day. You meet lots of interesting people on the train. Color them all grey.

THIS IS MY ELEVATOR. It takes me way up high. People who are not lawyers stand right next to me in the elevator. They are all right, but I would not want my daughter to marry one of them.

THIS IS MY DESK. It is mahogany. Important people have mahogany desks. My walls are mahogany, too. I wish I were mahogany.

THIS IS MY TELEPHONE. It has five buttons. Count them. One, two, three, four, five. Five buttons. How many buttons does your phone have? Mine has five.

THIS IS THE SENIOR PARTNER. He hates me. He calls me bad names, but he gives me lots of raises. My wife calls him "Papa".

THIS IS MY WIFE.

THIS IS MY SECRETARY. I hate her. She is mean. I used to have a soft, round lady.

THIS IS A CLIENT. He smells bad. He has money to spend. I like him.

THIS IS MY FIRM'S LUNCHROOM. Sometimes I walk through it and smile at the staff. "Hello, staff," my smile says, "I am one of you." I never eat there.

THIS IS MY PILL. It is round. It is pink. It makes me not care. Watch me take my round, pink pill.... and not care.

THIS IS MY SIGNATURE. It is big. It is hard to read. Some people have little signatures that are easy to read. They never make over a thousand a week.

New Yorkers are Stupid Drunks

2006-01-12T11:20:00.000-08:00

In re Integrated Beverage Group Ltd., Petitioner-Appellant, v New York State Liquor Authority.

The New York Supreme Court, Appellate Division for the first department has concluded that New Yorkers are too stupid to decipher the difference between alcoholic products and non-alcoholic products. The court upheld the judgment of the Supreme Court, New York County, entered on or about December 27, 2004, which denied the petition of the Integrated Beverage Group to annul the State Liquor Authority's determination denying petitioner's application to register proposed labeling for three malt beverage products.

The product in question, "Freaky Ice"

"(characterized on the labels as a "malt beverage with natural flavors") is intended to be consumed when frozen solid, which is unusual for alcoholic beverages. Like many ice treats appealing to children, "Freaky [*2]Ice" is packaged in packets, from which a person apparently extrudes the frozen product to consume it. The product comes in three different fruit flavors (Passion Cocktail, Cherry Fusion, and Lemon Stinger). Although the "Freaky Ice" labels indicate that the product contains alcohol, and should not be sold or served to children, the SLA accurately noted that this warning is set forth in 'small type."

Apparently drawing from their own mild retardedness which impairs their ability to read and associate alcoholic beverages with adults only, the SLA decided to do the world a favor and protect humankind one evil beverage at at time by banning the sale of this devil product in New York.

Besides, if you were getting confused as to whether these were innocent kiddie pops or mind altering grown-up mouth tasties, you could always ask this super serious, scantily-clad helper, who apparently comes with every Freaky Ice display:

Are these people just straight up MEAN? Do they despise all things fun and tasty? What could possibly be funner and more delicious than a pop cicle that gets you drunk? Maybe brownies that make you hallucinate? Next thing you know, some Natzi is going be taking those off the market!

special thanks to Tony for making this post possible :p

That was MY IDEA!

2006-01-11T08:54:00.000-08:00

Read this article from today's New York Times: Korn Sells a Stake in Itself, as Its Partners Try to Find a New Way to make Pop Music Pay.

Ok, so maybe it wasnt MY idea per se, but its definately an idea that I have been advocating for the past two years, and about which I even wrote an article in 2004.

(I'll upload MYarticle shortly, for your reading enlightenment). I highly suggest you read it, and not just to show you how smart I am! :)

The idea Im speaking of is that of the recording artist joint venture agreement, whereby the publishers and/or the promoters, the record label, etc, become partners with the recording artists, and share ALL profits and revenues evenly, instead of the traditional recording agreement where the major label makes all the money and the artist, with a platinum album, sees NADA and still eats ramen noodles!

It doesn't take a genius to realize that all the revenue is generated in merchandise and promotion deals, so it makes sense to get everyone on board in a more equal business model to counter act the inherent inequities.

I must credit Donald Passman and his almighty bible entitled All You Need to Know About the Music Business. I must also credit EMI Music Publishing, where I worked in the royalties and label support department and found out first hand how little funds went to the hard working artists, and how much goes right back to the all powerful and ever so greedy record labels!

This is a big idea, and as an entertainment lawyer, a huge opportunity to step in and advocate for our clients, whomever they may be!

Lawyers are entertaining, says FOX

2006-01-09T14:30:00.000-08:00

According to Variety, FOX has picked up a new show about the most entertaining people in the world- LAWYERS!

"Fox has ruled in favor of the legal drama pilot 'Damages,' "........."'Damages,' from scribe Jonathan Lisco, revolves around "the pathology and personal hazards" lawyers face in juggling their career and personal lives."

Uh, I would say that "personal hazards" just about sums it up. They want drama? They should set the story in law school when the real f'd up stuff happens- oh hey wait, thats how Im gonna make MY millions!

I can picture it now, you follow two separate characters, one male one female, from two complete separate walks of life.

Suzie, homemaker from Iowa becomes Suzie homewrecker, having slept with 8 of the 10 male students in her legal writing section.

Arnie, the uptight, overachieving rich kid from Connecticut, fails his first year contracts exam and after an audible confession to himself that he was the one who broke into the dean's office to try to change his grades commits suicide from the top floor of the law library, where....

coincidentally Suzie happens to be "doing the nasty" with her Super Hot, and married Civ Pro professor, and they both witness the whole thing.

Total dilemma!: Do they fess up to doin it on the roof to help investigating authorities, or do they keep quiet because Hottie prof is up for tenure, and Suzie just might make law review????

Stay tuned.......dun dun dun........

My Observation Of...........

2006-01-05T07:32:00.000-08:00

The Warlock
war-lock
n. A male witch, sorcerer, wizard, or demon.

There is this fellow that hangs out on the corner of my street who we have named “The Warlock.” He is basically an enigma, as most of the street population is to me anyway. This man is out before sunrise, but disappears at sunset. He is always located in the exact same spot on the sidewalk, rain or shine, nestled up next to the side of the Mexican market on the corner.

His vehicle: A shopping cart.
His attire: A black cloak (much like that of the grim reaper, which was his first nickname, till we failed to connect him to any deaths in the neighborhood)
His wares: He sets up a small end table and chair next to his shopping cart. On the table he neatly and meticulously displays various used books, tiny vials of scented oils (aka poisons), and sometimes multiple issues of popular magazines such as US Weekly and People!
His purpose: as yet unknown, but he is certainly consistant. His presence is more regular and and dependable than the results of a high fiber diet.

My observation: Hey, if playing pretend yard sale dressed in your Halloween costume every day makes you happy, and if you have the means to do that which makes you happiest, then right on brother! I dedicate this song to you.

Who says lawyers aren't funny?

2005-12-31T07:30:00.000-08:00

From Today's New York Times

So, Guy Walks Up to the Bar, and Scalia Says...

Justice Antonin Scalia's wit is widely admired, and now it has been quantified. He is, a new study concludes, 19 times as funny as Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Who's the Funniest?

Transcripts of oral arguments at the United States Supreme Court have long featured the notation "[laughter]" after a successful quip from a justice or lawyer. But until October 2004, justices were not identified by name, making it impossible to construct a reliable index of judicial wit.

That has now changed, and Jay D. Wexler, a law professor at Boston University, was quick to exploit the new data to analyze the relative funniness of the justices. His study, which covers the nine-month term that began that October, has just been published in a law journal called The Green Bag.

Justice Scalia was the funniest justice, at 77 "laughing episodes." On average, he was good for slightly more than one laugh - 1.027, to be precise - per argument.
Justice Stephen G. Breyer was next, at 45 laughs. Justice Ginsburg produced but four laughs. Justice Clarence Thomas, who rarely speaks during arguments, gave rise to no laughter at all.
Of course, what passes for humor at the Supreme Court would probably not kill at the local comedy club. Consider, for instance, the golden opportunity on Halloween this year when a light bulb in the courtroom's ceiling exploded during an argument.

It takes two justices, it turns out, to screw up a light bulb joke.
"It's a trick they play on new chief justices all the time," Chief Justice John G. Roberts Jr., who joined the court that month, said of the explosion.
"[Laughter.]"
"Happy Halloween," Justice Scalia retorted.
"[Laughter.]"
And then, the kicker. "We're even more in the dark now than before," Chief Justice Roberts said.
"[Laughter.]"
On the other hand, in a January argument in a statute-of-limitations case, Justice Anthony M. Kennedy made an amusing observation about the absurdity of modern life.
"Recently I lost my luggage," Justice Kennedy said. "I had to go to the lost and found at the airline, and the lady said has my plane landed yet."
"[Laughter.]"

Professor Wexler concedes that his methodology is imperfect. The court reporters who insert the notations may, for instance, be unreliable or biased.

The simple notation "[laughter]" does not, moreover, distinguish between "a series of small chuckles" and "a joke that brought the house down." Nor, Professor Wexler said, does it separate "the genuine laughter brought about by truly funny or clever humor and the anxious kind of laughter that arises when one feels nervous or uncomfortable or just plain scared for the nation's future."

Partisans of particular justices may raise objections as well. The raw numbers for Chief Justice William H. Rehnquist, who produced 12 laughs, understate his wit, as he missed more than 30 arguments in the term because of illness. He died in September.
Justice Ginsburg's poor showing may in part be a matter of misperception based on her grave mien.

"It is widely believed that Justice Ginsburg doesn't even laugh herself, much less make others laugh," Professor Wexler, a law clerk for her in 1998 and 1999, wrote. "I can attest that she does, in fact, laugh. Maybe not often, perhaps not loudly or with great vigor and the wild waving of arms, but laugh she does."

Justice Scalia's numbers may similarly overstate his wit, if only because the courtroom expects quips from him and may laugh at the least provocation. Also, he tried hard.

"He plays to the crowd," said Pamela S. Karlan, a Stanford law professor and Supreme Court advocate who has garnered her own share of laughter notations in the transcripts.
Sometimes, the laughter that apparently filled the courtroom is hard to comprehend. Chief Justice Roberts, for instance, got a laugh for this observation at an October argument on assisted suicide: "The relationship between the states and the federal government has changed a little since Gibbons v. Ogden," a landmark decision in 1824 about national regulation of the economy.

Lawyers get laughs sometimes, too, but it is a dangerous business. In the guidebook the court provides to lawyers preparing to argue before it, there is this stern warning: "Attempts at humor usually fall flat."

Thomas C. Goldstein, a Washington lawyer who appears before the court frequently, said humor "is a land mine."

"You have to follow the justices' lead," Mr. Goldstein said. "You have to be a straight man."
Lawyers confuse one justice with another surprisingly often, and those mix-ups are, of course, an opportunity for humor.
Last November, Sri Srinivasan, a government lawyer, apologized to Justice David H. Souter for referring to him as Justice Scalia.

"Thank you," Justice Souter said, with characteristic self-deprecation, "but apologize to him."
"[Laughter.]"

The New York Times, building on Professor Wexler's pioneering work, analyzed the available transcripts for the term that began this October. The mood under Chief Justice Roberts has brightened, the analysis found, with the average number of justice-generated laughs per argument rising to 2.9 from 2.6 the previous term.

In the current term, the Times analysis found, there has also been movement in the funniness-of-individual-justices department. Justice Breyer has taken the lead, at 28 laughs, edging out Justice Scalia, with 25. They also tied in the largest-number-of-jokes-in-a-single-argument category, each squeezing five into a single hour.

Chief Justice Roberts made a strong early showing, coming in third, with 13.
"It looks like he'll be competitive," Professor Wexler said in an interview.
Justice Clarence Thomas continues to bring up the rear, with what is shaping up to be another jokeless term for him.

A "laughter" notation is relatively common, having been awarded 1,676 times since 1979. "Mirth" has made only six appearances, all in 1987 and 1988.

Professor Wexler said the new data could be refined further, given that some justices ask more questions and thus give themselves more opportunities to provoke laughter. As with baseball batters, the true test is not in the absolute number of hits but in success divided by opportunity.
But Professor Wexler said he had decided not to pursue laughter-per-question research.

"That's not going to happen," he said. "Unless I get a grant."

Mas Vino!

2005-12-21T09:22:00.000-08:00

Signs that you are becoming a functioning wino:

1. Your tooth brush bristles are grey from brushing the evening chianti off your tongue.

2. The place in your cupboards where the wine glasses are supposed to go is ALWAYS barren, and the top rack of your dishwasher is ALWAYS full!

3. You DON'T have a vacuum cleaner or a microwave, but you DO have a wine rack, wine glass charms, and decorative wine bottle stoppers (which, are never used because you finish every bottle you open!).

4. By night you praise the Kangaroo, by day you curse the Kangaroo!

5. You caught yourself drooling during your screening of the movie Sideways.

Jingle This!

2005-12-20T06:15:00.000-08:00

The following parody is reflective of the idea that Christmas sucks once you are out of school and in the real world. Noone seems to understand that the Holidays are downright shitty for the average twenty-something professional, and so, I decided to write this little ditty (Sung to the tune of Jingle Bells) to express our shared discontent! Enjoy.....

Twenty some, twenty some,
Christmas isn’t fun
No such thing as Christmas break
Loan payments drain my fu-unds!

Twenty some, twenty some,
The gifts have gotten dull
No more games or Barbie dolls
This year I got a rug!

OH! Twenty some, twenty some,
Carefree days are done
Christmas cookies make me fat
Eggnog gives me the runs!

The office party’s near, at least the wine is free
If creepy HR guy brings mistletoe Im gonna FREAK!

OH, Twenty some, twenty some
Grandma leave me alone!
I’m not getting married soon
Not gay, just getting NONE!

OH! Twenty some, twenty some,
I wish I was a Jew
Get Fridays off all year round
And avoid these Christmas Blues!

Under Construction

2005-12-14T08:36:00.000-08:00

Come back, Im working on this and its gonna be fantastic, I promise!!